MORE RECENT NEWS FROM OUR ARCHIVES

National News: Hans Island Snubbed By Olympics. Hans Island has indeed been left out of the official 2008 Olympic Torch relay, despite diplomatic pressure at the highest levels to have downtown Hanstown included in the torch relay. Hansian President Stefan Simpson is outraged, "We can 'accidently' botch up security along the route just as badly as the French or British or Americans. Ok, maybe not as badly as the French. That took some doing, you know the French! Ermmm. This is an outrage that we have not been allowed to play our part in protesting the reported human rights atrocities being perpetuated by the Chinese in Tibet! Of course, just like the other countries, we were prepared to pretend that it was only an unofficial disruption instigated by a small group of troublemakers along the route. Nobody dare say anything official, of course, otherwise all the world's dollar stores might suddenly find themselves empty." The president then inadvertently shuddered. When told by a reporter that the IOC's refusal might actually have had something to do with Hans Island's lack of any direct participation in the Beijing Olympics, Simpson allegedly snarled back, "Well then, why then don't you just hit the road and say hello to Mao for me, Comrade?" The reporter in question was indeed Deena Comrade of the Hanstown Daily News. Her brother is Mao Jensen, an old friend of the president.

Local Health News. In health news, Hanstown University Professor of Health Studies Heinrich O'Hooligan reports that that his new three year study of recent international health reports reveals over and over again how a new study will seem to show conclusive proof of something, such as red wine being good for you, and then the next month a totally contradictory study will come out, completely negating the point of the previous study. O'Hooligan reports that there are several elusive factors at work behind the scenes in such instances such as who actually pays for the studies and what perceived benefits they receive from the published reports. Responding to critics who see this kind of thing as a failure of academia to have any relevancy in the real world, O'Hooligan went on to explain that it didn't really matter what they thought because by this time next month he will come out with a completely different report which will totally refute his current findings.

Foreign News: Canadian RCMP Taser Use On The Increase. Following highly censored reports released from the RCMP under the Canadian Freedom of Information Act that show the use of potentially deadly tasers by the Canadian federal police force has risen dramatically over the past couple years resulting in a taser "creep up" effect, RCMP officials were quick to deny that they had a problem. However, in an exclusive RFHI interview, an unnamed RCMP spokesperson asked for compassion and understanding from the general Canadian public (or "straights" as he called them), explaining, "Ohhhhh man, stop bogarting that taser. I need to tee somebody real bad, would you mind? Just a little tee, it won't hurt much, oh god I'm jonesing for a tee, you don't know what it's like going without it, you can't expect me to go cold turkey. OK, then, OK, you force me - I'll tee myself! ZZZZZZZ! Ugh! Oh mon dieu, I'm kissing da sky". The spokesperson was unavailable for further comment, or anything else really, for the next several hours.

Local News. Survivors of the 32nd annual Hans Island Titanic Re-Creation Society general meeting celebrated another successful re-creation of the original 1912 fatal sinking of the Titanic despite increasingly difficult circumstances. Re-creation Society president Tag Queemig commented, "Every year it gets harder and harder to attract new members given that so many of them are going to die. Most of the passengers in the real Titanic drowned and the society has an absolute commitment to authenticity. Surviving society members understand and appreciate that".

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