MORE RECENT NEWS FROM OUR ARCHIVES

Foreign News. Following further news from the most westerly Canadian province of British Columbia that a number of severed human feet in running shoes have washed up this summer on its Pacific shores, a spokesperson for the BC Ministry of Tourism has at last found a positive spin for the otherwise gruesome story. "Other regions around the world are losing their precious coastlines bit by bit due to erosion and rising sea levels. But here in beautiful British Columbia" spokesperson Rummie Bishop paused for dramatic effect, "we're actually gaining several feet each year".

Local Health News. In health news, Hanstown University Professor of Health Studies Heinrich O'Hooligan reports that that his new three year study of recent international health reports reveals over and over again how a new study will seem to show conclusive proof of something, such as red wine being good for you, and then the next month a totally contradictory study will come out, completely negating the point of the previous study. O'Hooligan reports that there are several elusive factors at work behind the scenes in such instances such as who actually pays for the studies and what perceived benefits they receive from the published reports. Responding to critics who see this kind of thing as a failure of academia to have any relevancy in the real world, O'Hooligan went on to explain that it didn't really matter what they thought because by this time next month he will come out with a completely different report which will totally refute his current findings.

Foreign News: Canadian RCMP Taser Use On The Increase. Following highly censored reports released from the RCMP under the Canadian Freedom of Information Act that show the use of potentially deadly tasers by the Canadian federal police force has risen dramatically over the past couple years resulting in a taser "creep up" effect, RCMP officials were quick to deny that they had a problem. However, in an exclusive RFHI interview, an unnamed RCMP spokesperson asked for compassion and understanding from the general Canadian public (or "straights" as he called them), explaining, "Ohhhhh man, stop bogarting that taser. I need to tee somebody real bad, would you mind? Just a little tee, it won't hurt much, oh god I'm jonesing for a tee, you don't know what it's like going without it, you can't expect me to go cold turkey. OK, then, OK, you force me - I'll tee myself! ZZZZZZZ! Ugh! Oh mon dieu, I'm kissing da sky". The spokesperson was unavailable for further comment, or anything else really, for the next several hours.

Local News. Survivors of the 32nd annual Hans Island Titanic Re-Creation Society general meeting celebrated another successful re-creation of the original 1912 fatal sinking of the Titanic despite increasingly difficult circumstances. Re-creation Society president Tag Queemig commented, "Every year it gets harder and harder to attract new members given that so many of them are going to die. Most of the passengers in the real Titanic drowned and the society has an absolute commitment to authenticity. Surviving society members understand and appreciate that".

And Finally. The United States Geological Service reports in a recent study that there may be the equivalent of hundreds of billions of barrels of oil and gas under the Arctic Ocean. "Well, duh" commented Hans Island President for Life Stefan Simpson, adding with a wink, "I guess this proves the Saudis have been getting good value from us all these years for their hush money!"

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