MORE NEWS FROM OUR ARCHIVES

Royal News: Hans Island Queen "Speaks To The Dearly Departed". Following news from Oslo that Princess Martha Louise of Norway claims psychic powers that enable her to speak to angels, our very own Hansian Queen "Looloo" Flottila the First - who is reportedly "not at all jealous of the attention that Norwegian hussy is getting" - has revealed exclusively to RFHI that she too now has special "powers to speak to the dearly departed". "It's as if their voices are in my head" explained Her Royal Hansian Highness, "although they are long departed, I can still talk to them as if they were right here, right now with me. I hope I can share this unique ability with others who, in turn, would love nothing more than to converse with their dearly departed." In a related story, Bell Hans reports the long delayed installation of long distance telephone services to the royal castle has finally been completed.

Local Tragedy. Another annual Paul LeTanga School of Festive Ice Lake Clog Dancing graduating class recital has ended in disaster. "Seems I miscalculated the density of the ice once again on Lake Neverfrozenenuff" said school director, Paul LeTanga. "You can imagine my embarrassment. This is the third graduating class we've lost since the school opened four years ago. But I'm determined to keep on going until I get it right and a graduating class survives its graduation ceremony". Police have ordered Mr. LeTanga to undergo yet another psychiatric examination. "I'm delighted to do so" yelled Letanga from the back of the departing squad car, "It keeps my wits razor sharp."

International News: Global Warming Declared A Man-made Phenomenon. A recent Paris-based scientific report resulting from the collaboration between weather experts from around the world has definitively concluded that global warming is indeed a man-made phenomenon. "Well, duh!" commented Professor Julius Roskilde of the Hans Island Institute for Studies in the Blindingly Obvious. "Not only that but guess what?" Roskilde asked. "Thanks to the extra pollution generated from flying all those scientists involved to Paris and back, the planet's demise due to global warming will now come a whole year earlier than it would've otherwise. Thanks, guys!"".

Local Police News. The Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit today had to recreate a serious traffic accident involving a pedestrian crossing Main Street, Hanstown knocked down by an unmarked black car. The pedestrian was not seriously hurt but is still in hospital with concussion. In recreating the serious traffic accident, The Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit knocked down a second pedestrian crossing Main Street, Hanstown with an unmarked black car. The second pedestrian was not seriously hurt but is still in hospital with concussion. It later turned out that the first pedestrian knocked down was in fact knocked down by an unmarked black Hans Island police car recreating a serious traffic accident for the Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit involving a pedestrian knocked down by an unmarked black car. All three pedestrians involved were not seriously hurt. Police are asking for the person originally knocked over by an unmarked black car while crossing Main Street, Hanstown, to come please forward (if they can) as the paperwork on your case has been lost. Meanwhile, RFHI strongly advises all pedestrians to avoid crossing Main Street, Hanstown for the next 72 hours while the Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit are still on the scene.

Local News: New Hanstongue Dictionary Calls International Oil Companies Selfish, Greedy Bastards. The Official Hansian English to Hanstongue And Back dictionary, just published by Hanstown Press, erroneously translates the English words "international oil cartel" into Hanstongue (when translated back into English) as "those selfish, greedy bastards". The dictionary's editor, Franca Iakvetcha, apologized, explaining the mistranslation was a result of a glitch in the translation software. "The phrase 'international oil cartel'" she clarified, "should actually translate into and back from the ancient Hanstongue as 'those conniving, thieving bastards'".

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