MORE NEWS FROM OUR ARCHIVES

More National News. Royal Hans Airways, Hans Island's only national airline, still famous for its surly flight attendants, lost luggage and inedible meals despite its only airplane going missing many years ago, has announced the creation of its own loyalty card program to boost ticket sales. Airways spokesperson Inga Newhole explained its most prominent features this way, "As soon as we get you hooked for what you think will be free trips, we will totally screw you with our ridiculously petty bureaucracy, robbing you of all your hard earned points, and leaving you with nothing other than a bad taste in your mouth." When asked what could have possibly given them the idea to run a loyalty program with an attitude like that, Newhole replied, "We're all big, big fans of Air Canada's 'Aeroplan' program," adding, "Compared to them, we're friggin' Mother Teresa".

Local Tragedy. Another annual Paul LeTanga School of Festive Ice Lake Clog Dancing graduating class recital has ended in disaster. "Seems I miscalculated the density of the ice once again on Lake Neverfrozenenuff" said school director, Paul LeTanga. "You can imagine my embarrassment. This is the third graduating class we've lost since the school opened four years ago. But I'm determined to keep on going until I get it right and a graduating class survives its graduation ceremony". Police have ordered Mr. LeTanga to undergo yet another psychiatric examination. "I'm delighted to do so" yelled Letanga from the back of the departing squad car, "It keeps my wits razor sharp."

International News: Global Warming Declared A Man-made Phenomenon. A recent Paris-based scientific report resulting from the collaboration between weather experts from around the world has definitively concluded that global warming is indeed a man-made phenomenon. "Well, duh!" commented Professor Julius Roskilde of the Hans Island Institute for Studies in the Blindingly Obvious. "Not only that but guess what?" Roskilde asked. "Thanks to the extra pollution generated from flying all those scientists involved to Paris and back, the planet's demise due to global warming will now come a whole year earlier than it would've otherwise. Thanks, guys!"".

Local Police News. The Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit today had to recreate a serious traffic accident involving a pedestrian crossing Main Street, Hanstown knocked down by an unmarked black car. The pedestrian was not seriously hurt but is still in hospital with concussion. In recreating the serious traffic accident, The Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit knocked down a second pedestrian crossing Main Street, Hanstown with an unmarked black car. The second pedestrian was not seriously hurt but is still in hospital with concussion. It later turned out that the first pedestrian knocked down was in fact knocked down by an unmarked black Hans Island police car recreating a serious traffic accident for the Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit involving a pedestrian knocked down by an unmarked black car. All three pedestrians involved were not seriously hurt. Police are asking for the person originally knocked over by an unmarked black car while crossing Main Street, Hanstown, to come please forward (if they can) as the paperwork on your case has been lost. Meanwhile, RFHI strongly advises all pedestrians to avoid crossing Main Street, Hanstown for the next 72 hours while the Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit are still on the scene.

MORE NEWS FROM ABROAD. Nearby high arctic island nation Iceland recently voted to ban female strippers in an attempt to raise the status of women. Given Iceland's year-round weather conditions requiring multi-layer clothing the majority of single male Icelanders will now have to rely solely upon the internet to remember what women actually look like.

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