The Latest World News As Seen From Hans Island

HANS ISLAND TO BOYCOTT 2008 OLYMPICS

National News. "We are officially proclaiming our boycott of next month's Beijing Olympics" announced Hansian Minister of Sports, Lards Fladdfudd, adding, "And anybody who talks about them will be fined under the Hansian Anti-Tarradiddlism Act of 1782 for boring us all to death about the biggest piece of pro-communist propaganda since 'Elmer the Safety Elephant'". When asked to justify the boycott, especially as Hans Island never actually had any team interested in participating, Fladdfudd responded, "Well... for some Hansians it is a protest about their outrageous human rights violations... for others it is a protest about their blatant, wholesale raping of Mother Earth's natural non-renewable resources. But for me it's all about their dollar store crap starting to cost more than a buck these days. And don't pretend you haven't noticed!"

More National News. Royal Hans Airways, Hans Island's only national airline, still famous for its surly flight attendants, lost luggage and inedible meals despite its only airplane going missing many years ago, has announced the creation of its own loyalty card program to boost ticket sales. Airways spokesperson Inga Newhole explained its most prominent features this way, "As soon as we get you hooked for what you think will be free trips, we will totally screw you with our ridiculously petty bureaucracy, robbing you of all your hard earned points, and leaving you with nothing other than a bad taste in your mouth." When asked what could have possibly given them the idea to run a loyalty program with an attitude like that, Newhole replied, "We're all big, big fans of Air Canada's 'Aeroplan' program," adding, "Compared to them, we're friggin' Father Christmas".

High Arctic News. Canadian scientists intend to reoccupy an old Cold War listening post on Devon Island in their far north with plans to monitor foreign vessels attempting to enter Canadian territorial waters through the increasingly navigable Northwest Passage. "It's a good start", says Hans Island President Stefan Simpson, "but if Johnny Canuck really wants to assert his sovereignty he should do what we did here on Hans Island decades ago and put up a toll booth. Nothing says 'sovereignty' like a toll booth! My government has made a small fortune from ours situated on our twin passages between Canada and Greenland from all the secret American, Russian, Danish, Chinese and Andorrean deep arctic submarines racing about up here. Besides" he added, "We have a stack of IOUs from the 1950s when the Canucks were last on Devon Island and kept visiting our bars and brothels that we'd like settled. They're all signed by somebody named Diefenbaker. Ever heard of him?"

Foreign News. Following further news from the most westerly Canadian province of British Columbia that a number of severed human feet in running shoes have washed up this summer on its Pacific shores, a spokesperson for the BC Ministry of Tourism has at last found a positive spin for the otherwise gruesome story. "Other regions around the world are losing their precious coastlines bit by bit due to erosion and rising sea levels. But here in beautiful British Columbia" spokesperson Rummie Bishop paused for dramatic effect, "we're actually gaining several feet each year".

More Foreign News. International news reports that China is setting up special areas for protestors during the upcoming summer 2008 Olympics is being favorably interpreted to mean that they may actually allow limited demonstrations, according to some experts. Others, including RFHI's own Per Bubblin, are more skeptical, speculating on RFHI that the so-called "special areas" are probably "dank basement jail cells, surrounded by electrified barbed wire, and hundreds of miles away from the actual games". In a related story, Mr. Bubblin has been found guilty and fined three goat heads and an otter anus under the Hansian Anti-Tarradiddlism Act of 1782.

And Finally. The United States Geological Service reports in a recent study that there may be the equivalent of hundreds of billions of barrels of oil and gas under the Arctic Ocean. "Well, duh" commented Hans Island President for Life Stefan Simpson, adding with a wink, "I guess this proves the Saudis have been getting good value for their hush money!"

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