MORE RECENT NEWS FROM THE RFHI ARCHIVES

Breaking News. For a seventh straight month in a row, the price of gas and oil here on Hans Island has plunged, bottoming out at mere pennies per gallon. "We can barely give it away" explained Hansian President Stefan Simpson at a recent luncheon party. "Since we're sitting on a massive secret reserve that the Saudis pay us well to keep that way it's impossible to avoid the stuff. Stick a hole in the rock and up comes Black Gold! I'm talking Texas Tea! It's a damn nuisance because none of us need it given our abundant production of hydrogen and our obsessive adherence to a localized non-global economy." The ever popular president suddenly had a new thought that provoked his well known contagious chuckle. As he wiped away the tears of laughter he explained, "Could you imagine if our needs had become so infantilized that we developed a psychological and economic dependence on fossil fuels coupled with a globalized economy that didn't produce anything locally anymore? Whoa! I'd sure feel sorry for any brainwashed boobs living in that house of cards."

Foreign News: Canadian Sports Icon Replaced. The new CBC TV Hockey Night In Canada theme music has been unveiled at long last, the winning entry in a nationwide contest to replace the iconic real theme which was lost earlier this year by CBC TV sports as a result of unsuccessful negotiations with the theme's creator. The iconic real HNIC theme was then scooped up by rival CTV for use during its televised hockey events. The lamentably lame new theme shall be known forever more by its unofficial title, "The Head of CBC TV Sports Who Let the Original Go Is Still A Complete Putz For Doing So".

Local News. Radio Free Hans Island reports with great sadness that we have lost the rights to the legendary theme of our own flagship program, "Snow Bowling Night on Hans Island". Apparently, the theme bore an uncanny similarity to the 1960s Britpop hit "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter". The surviving members of Herman's Hermits have agreed not to sue following RFHI's decision to immediately replace their song with another classic Snow Bowling Anthem, "I Am The Walrus". This relatively unknown and long forgotten song is assumed to be in public domain. RFHI looks forward to using it trouble-free for many years.

High Arctic Environmental News. Greenland has been denied the right to fish for further endangered species of whale off its coastal waters by the international body that regulates such matters. "This is a triumph for the high arctic's fragile eco-system" exclaimed Hans Island's President Stefan Simpson at a recent after hours dinner party, adding with a characteristic chuckle, "And besides, have you ever been over there? Those Greenlanders got enough blubber already!" RFHI would like to apologize if necessary for repeating President Simpson's remarks, but only because we have no idea what they actually mean.

International News: Swiss Witch Watch Switch Swatch. The last known witch to be executed by the Swiss has been posthumously pardoned by Swiss authorities. Anna Goeldi was beheaded in 1792 for being a witch in the eastern Swiss state of Glarus. The local government there has finally decided to exonerate Goeldi having found no historical or legal basis for the fatal accusation. In a related story, Hans Island officials have now decided to officially pardon Anna Blinghovan who was executed here in 1876, falsely accused of being Swiss.

Hans Island "Comedian" Dies. Frederick Nyhaven, who's life long signature routine was '"The Seven Words You Cannot Say On RFHI," passed away recently at an unknown age. Nyhaven's routine (originally inspired by the American comic George Carlin's infamous routine about seven indecent words) made little sense and confused most audiences, consisting as it did of seven perfectly ordinary words he had picked at random out of a childrens' book. Unaware of the significance of his hero's choice of words, Nyhaven figured any seven words would do. They did not. Following an unceasingly pitiful career, Nyhaven died penniless and in complete obscurity. His last seven words were said to be completely unrepeatable in polite company.

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