LATEST NEWS FROM AND ABOUT HANS ISLAND

DEBT CRISIS HITS HANS ISLAND!

NEW HANSIAN CURRENCY ANNOUNCED!

Hansian President Simpson; his luxurious retreat; Wazza The Wizard

OUR TOP BREAKING NATIONAL STORY... Astute regular readers of this site will have noticed its absence from the internet for most of last week.

Hans Island's Federal Treasury, The HansHock, was broke.

"This is no time to panic" declared Hansian President for Life Stefan Simpson at his luxurious north shore retreat on a bullhorn from behind elegant walls of designer barbed wire and state of the art landmines. "There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong that we cannot fix. The facts are simple. I - that is - you, the Hans Island population, have simply spent more than I - that is you - have brought in lately. There will now follow a short period of rigidly defined doubt and uncertainty while the hard science of economics repositions our credit rating. Now go away or I'll shoot".

Hansian Federal Treasury Director Wazza The Wizard echoes the president's confidence. RFHI asked her what she was doing to set the Hansian economy right. "I am using the latest, most up to date Keysian tools of economic recovery. Have faith my fellow Hansians, all will be well again soon. It's a bit complicated to explain so let me illustrate. Ermmm! Eye of newt, wing of bat, tail of goose, economic troubles - be gone! Be gone, I say, be gone! Hmmm, nothing yet? Hmmm. Perhaps too much eye of newt...?"

Last week with the exchange rate inflated to approximately 14.2 trillion Hansian Mossbacks to the US dollar, the Hansian economy just collapsed, rendering RFHI unable to raise the $11.99 (US) to pay for its continuing domain registration. Our national credit rating according to Standard & Pathetic plunged from "Solid as a Rock" to "Seriously F**ked" a complex industry term not fully understood by most people. "This was the first time in six years we were unable to share our news with the world on line" declared a grim faced Lard Lardison, RFHI Deputy Director of What It Is. "In the end, I pawned my cat, my genuine leather Beatle boots, my autographed photo of Matt Bianco and my sister Katia and was able to just cover the cost of renewal for another year. They returned the Matt Bianco photo. Katia, I love you and I swear this is only temporary."

Pawnbroker Supremo GoGo Nakano reports brisk business at his Hans Island Pawn Shop A Go Go, Credit Bureau & Chinese Bakery. "Basically, I got it all. Last month, what was mine was inside the shop. Now I find it easier just to put what's NOT mine in the shop. Everything else outside is mine. Say, nice watch. Katia! Take this timepiece. I don't have any Elgins yet."

With RFHI back up on the world wide web we can now exclusively report that Hans Island is about to begin a wholly new form of currency to kickstart its economic recovery. U of H Professor of Economics Denk Bazzmont explains, "Earlier we were on the Mossback currency, moss being our greatest natural asset. But in these tough times we found more and more people simply eating their money rather than spending it. Hence the shrinking of our economic base, literally. We looked around for something else in short supply that would guarantee its continuing value but that couldn't be eaten. We thought about gold - but that's essentially worthless, given we are sitting on an endlessly deep vein of it just below the Hansian south shore. No, we decided that a wood based currency would be the next logical step, given we have so few trees on the island. I haven't ever been abroad but we assume the situation is pretty much the same everywhere else too which guarantees its stability. So as of Monday, we embark - hah hah embark - on our new wooden currency wherein so many slivers will equal so many US dollars. What could possibly go wrong?"

As to what ultimately triggered the current financial crisis on Hans Island, we may never know. President For Life Simpson was quick to yell out on his bullhorn that it was nothing to do with him. "I've been accused of playing last minute games and daring the others to blink during our recent debt crisis negotiations. I unilaterally deny that we were playing the blinking game. It was poker. And I was winning too until that bastard from Copenhagen produced a full house and wiped me - I mean us, clean out. But I can assure you, my fellow Hansians, your government does not play games with your future. I - we - have a fool-proof winning system. It's 100% solid science except that bloody Dane never understood science. Now go away again or I'll shoot."

Stay tuned to RFHI for continuing coverage of our ongoing national debt crisis.

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