The Latest World News As Seen From Hans Island

HANS ISLAND GAS, OIL PRICES CONTINUE TO PLUNGE

Breaking News. For a seventh straight month in a row, the price of gas and oil here on Hans Island has plunged, bottoming out at mere pennies per gallon. "We can barely give it away" explained Hansian President Stefan Simpson at a recent luncheon party. "Since we're sitting on a massive secret reserve that the Saudis pay us well to keep that way it's impossible to avoid the stuff. Stick a hole in the rock and up comes Black Gold! I'm talking Texas Tea! It's a damn nuisance because none of us need it given our abundant production of hydrogen and our obsessive adherence to a localized non-global economy." The ever popular president suddenly had a new thought that provoked his well known contagious chuckle. As he wiped away the tears of laughter he explained, "Could you imagine if our needs had become so infantilized that we developed a psychological and economic dependence on fossil fuels coupled with a globalized economy that didn't produce anything locally anymore? Whoa! I'd sure feel sorry for any brainwashed boobs living in a house of cards like that!"

Foreign News. Canadian Sports Icon Sidelined. Following the shocking news that public broadcaster CBC Television had failed to successfully negotiate for the continued use of the 40 year old iconic "Hockey Night In Canada" theme, its rivals (the privately owned CTV network) immediately had no trouble purchasing the legendary song for use on all its future hockey broadcasts. CBC Television has responded by holding a contest to find a new hockey theme song. The most popular entry so far allegedly has the ironic yet quintessentially Canadian title: "Please Fire The Head Of CBC Sports!"

Local News. Radio Free Hans Island reports with great sadness that we have lost the rights to the legendary theme of our own flagship program, "Snow Bowling Night on Hans Island". Apparently, the theme bore an uncanny similarity to the 1960s Britpop hit "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter". The surviving members of Herman's Hermits have agreed not to sue following RFHI's decision to immediately replace their song with another classic Snow Bowling Anthem, "I Am The Walrus". This relatively unknown and long forgotten song is assumed to be in public domain. RFHI looks forward to using it trouble-free for many, many years.

High Arctic Environmental News. Greenland has been denied the right to fish for further endangered species of whale off its coastal waters by the international body that regulates such matters. "This is a triumph for the high arctic's fragile eco-system" exclaimed Hans Island's President Stefan Simpson at a recent after hours dinner party, adding with a characteristic chuckle, "And besides, have you ever been over there? Those Greenlanders got enough blubber already!" RFHI would like to apologize if necessary for repeating President Simpson's remarks, but only because we have no idea what they actually mean.

More Foreign News. Political Scandal in Canada - Update. A Quebec woman said to be at the centre of the downfall of a Canadian federal cabinet minister is now reported to be writing a book about her recent experiences revealing for the first time the truth behind her high level political assignations. The working title of her book when badly translated into English is rumoured to be "Didn't Anyone Ever Wonder Why A Hot Babe Like Me Would Be Hanging Out With Any of Those Creepy Conservative Cockalorums?"

More Local News. Hans Island Nationwide Spelling Bee Results. Little Inga Quiggtabble came in first place, defeating all her rivals, with the correct spelling of the English word "cockalorum". Cockalorum, according to well placed sources within the international dictionary community, is defined as a rather diminutive man with a greatly inflated sense of his own self-importance.

Hans Island "Comedian" Dies. Frederick Nyhaven, who's life long signature routine was '"The Seven Words You Cannot Say On RFHI," passed away recently at an unknown age. Nyhaven's routine (originally inspired by the American comic George Carlin's infamous routine about seven indecent words) made little sense and confused most audiences, consisting as it did of seven perfectly ordinary words he had picked at random out of a childrens' book. Unaware of the significance of his hero's choice of words, Nyhaven figured any seven words would do. They did not. Following an unceasingly pitiful career, Nyhaven died penniless and in complete obscurity. His last seven words were said to be finally unrepeatable in polite company.