LATEST NEWS FROM AND ABOUT HANS ISLAND

ANNIVERSARY OF APOLLO 11 LANDING ON HANS ISLAND!

(PHOTO ABOVE) NEIL ARMSTRONG SALUTES HANS ISLAND FLAG

OUR TOP LOCAL STORY. Forty one years ago man landed on the moon, or at least appeared to. In fact, Apollo 11 accidently landed in the middle of Hans Island's prestigious "Tranquility" golf course. "It was due to some magnetic anomaly over the 18th hole. Of course the place was deserted because everybody was at home glued to RFHI's coverage of the moon landing" recalls RFHI Science Reporter Bawb McBawb, then only a child. "Imagine our surprise a couple hours later when we saw the American flag raised over the sand trap. A bunch of us kids went up the ladder and banged on the LEM door going 'Beep Beep Beep" and scared the crap out of them! Ha ha ha! Ah, happy days. Buzz never forgave us but Neil eventually got the joke. In fact he comes back every year and rents the old LEM landing base as his summer cabin. Late at night when the moon is full I swear I can still hear him chuckling away to himself".

LOCAL NEWS. Following the recent G20 meeting in Toronto, Hans Island announced the cancellation of its own bilateral meeting with other sovereign high arctic nations due to lack of participants. Only Norway had agreed to send one delegate to talk with the one delegate from Hans Island. Organizers agree that the summit's name, based on delegates confirmed, was a bad idea. "In retrospect we probably shouldn't've called it H1N1".

NEWS FROM ABROAD. Chaz Groenlander, Head of the European Union Lottery Corp, reports that ticket sales of the recent "Win A Trillion Dollars" contest have been somewhat less than expected. "We sold zero, nada, bupkis" says Groenlander noting that the low sales may be a result of the unique nature of the prize, a "truly once in a lifetime" opportunity to win a trillion dollars worth of domestic Greek municipal bonds. But Groenlander is not dismayed. "Our next lottery is bound to be more successful - it's sort of a lottery in reverse - in order not to personally win a trillion dollars of Greek bonds you have to have a ticket". Groenlander expects to be sold out throughout the EU by sundown tonight.

MORE NEWS FROM ABROAD. Canada's super spymaster, Richard Faddent, reaffirmed his earlier public statements that certain Canadian politicians were "under the influence of foreign governments". "That comes as no surprise" says Hansian Head of Intelligence Sugsy "Dead Eye" Dirk. "But today I'm announcing an even bigger story - a number of Hans Island restaurants are also operating under foreign influence. I'm not naming names but if you go to Chinese, Italian, Korean, French, Greek or Indian restaurants in downtown Hanstown you'll see what I mean. Delicious and nutritious, but definitely operating under foreign influence of a distinctively culinary nature."

EVEN MORE NEWS FROM ABROAD. BP looks like it has finally managed to cap its leaking undersea oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico after three months of devastating eco-destruction. Hans Island deep sea diver Crash Corrigan interviewed today on RFHI says he knows exactly how they did it. "They finally just stuck one of their own BP petrol station gas pumps right on top of it and set the meter to zero dollars. Didn't you ever fill up at BP? Those suckers never give you a drop more than you paid for!"

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